Confessions...

So I know I haven't exactly been the most tedious blogger on this new adventure, but it's time I start fessing up..

Last night the clinic called me to confirm my Anomaly Scan two days from now, and after I hung up the phone I began to envision how it will be, and all I could think about was the time when I went through exactly the same thing with my first pregnancy.  It's going to be the same clinic, most possibly the same Ultrasound room, and (this part I'm dreading the most) may even be the same insensitive doctor who would perform the US with me.. And before I knew it I was crying.. It was crazy.. I was at work, and I suddenly had to run to the restroom coz the tears and short breaths were attacking me.. I felt SO SCARED and so heartbroken.. I started imagining the WORST things that can happen, and I just couldn't take it.  I literally felt like collapsing on the bathroom floor when I started to think of all the possible scenarios.  I was crying like a mad pregnant woman, and I called my husband and I had to croak out first that I'm ok because he could tell from my voice right away that I was not and I didn't want him dashing to the airport.  And then I started pouring out all my fears and worries to him and of course he was really upset that I felt that way.  You see he's VERY excited about everything concerning our baby.  He's not scared at all.  In fact, he looks forward to our trips to the doctor (or the clinic).  For him everything will definitely be fine.  He's not hunted by our first pregnancy like I am, or at least not as hunted as I am.  And understandably, he wants me to feel the same way...

 

That was when I realized how much Trauma I still have about our first loss.  Much as I try to keep my head up and put on a brave smile for everyone to see, my heart still bleeds for our first little angel.  I still have lots of questions why it had to happen, and I still have this constant dark fear in my heart that the same thing will happen to this little kiddo in me.  I honestly don't know how I'm gonna wipe it all out.  All I know is that the only fervent prayer I have for God is not even to wish for a boy or a girl, but for Him to keep our baby safe and healthy.  It's like all my energy is just focused on that wish, I don't even have the time to ask for anything else.  And I feel like asking for much more particular stuffs will be just too greedy.  It's a HUGE blessing in itself that I'm pregnant again, and I am forever grateful for this gift. 

 

I am so sorry my baby if Mommy gets scared most of the time.  Please do not be afraid like me.  Please stay strong for Mommy and Daddy.  We love you so so much... I will try my best to stop feeling all this negativity, and will do everything in my power to keep you safe.   Just stay with us.